Reformatting my neural hard drive

Its hard for me to gauge how photogenic I am. I might post a picture, but I am looking a lot better lately. I just look more handsome. Partly its dress, I got rid of a lot of clothes that had kind of a "loser" energy surrounding them and got some new clothes. I have been working out and losing weight, mostly though its an energetic change.

Another thing about me that hasn't changed is that I am still very empathic, I am in tune with lots of diverse kinds of energies, so I can tell when women are sexually attracted to me. I can sense sexual energy radiating from them toward me. I am noticing more of that and noticing it coming from more attractive women.

I had one more breakthrough, this weekend. I want on a long walk through a busy area of town and worked on my nervous system. I think I have symptoms of PTSD. The last thing I would do is go to counseling or take medication. That is just somthing I will not do. I am working it out on my own.

But I mean, for a middle class white kid, I haven't had that tame of a life. I have been assaulted probably twelve or thirteen times. I had my jaw broken in a fight when I was 12, never told my parents. It was not a real serious break but a fracture. I set it myself by biting down hard until my teeth fit together again. I still have a bump where the bone healed over I can feel with my tongue inside my mouth. I've had my nose broken three times. I used to not really want to fight. I was kind of a doormat. Finally I got to the point where I would fight and not back down, that was probably 15 years ago. Since then every couple years people have given me enough of a hard time, in various scenarios for me to get up in there face and they have always backed down. Actually its been probably five years since that type of thing has happened. I am not going to assault someone that doesn't want to fight, I am not going to start a fight. But being willing to fight is not the whole battle. I became hyper vigilant and that causes stress.

It became stressful for me to be around lots of people. Because its hard to constantly evaluate everyone in the area. This is one reason, I think I am so comfortable in the wilderness with no people around.

So the challenge I put before myself was to reprogram my nervous system some more so that crowds and noisy places don't bother me.

First I worked on my breathing. Belly breathing, slow and powerful, not quick and shallow and high up in the chest. Plus I walked slower, with not such a quick stride. A fast stride reinforces the nerves. I did this and walked ten or twelve miles until it didn't bother me at all. Plus, I have worked on my appearance. I look handsome and fit and more confident anyway, so that helps too.

I am doing more social activities, I want to listen to a nine piece Jazz band at a resteraunt with some friends and Sunday went to a graduation party.

When I do interact in social settings I am very out going and funny, charismatic even. But what I think it is is that I have these emotional scars and that causes avoidance behavior. Its more or less unconscious. I end up avoiding things because of it out of self protection and end up avoiding more pleasure than pain. I trade relief from potential anxiety for loneliness.

So I have figured out it isn't a good trade. Plus its not like I hang out in dive bars, or play high stakes poker with criminals. The kinds of social circles I am drawn to are nice intelligent people.

So working so hard on waking, I even picked up a wealth attracting walk. I thought of how would I walk if I was a kind of well off guy that was still young and down to earth and energetic and maybe had a big boat or something or went on adventures in the Himalayas. I got kind of a sense of that kind of a walk. It was a laid back confident kind of a walk. A walk, like I am tanned, hair back stylishly but a little unruly walking with really high quality outdoorsey shoes on. Walking with an expectation of seeing really beautiful things and meeting gracious interesting people.

It came up in conversation with a girl I know, friend of my mother;s but younger than me actually that "why don't I date?" I am cute, I am funny, I am available. Why don't I date.

Good question. Basically I have had a lot of issues to work through without wanting to complicate my life by dating. But I am working a lot of them out.

So this was a challenge for me.