The Imperious One

I have decided to eliminate all dairy, including butter, soy, corn and eggs and nuts. I have already eliminated gluten, which eliminates wheat, barley and oats. So basically all I am going to eat are veggies fruit and meat, except eggs.

So, I’ll see how this goes. I got eight hours of sleep last night but I still got horrible ibs symptoms, probably because of the dairy.

So I got up and decided to run anyway. I am battling this inner wimp. That’s basically how I look at it. I don’t have any injuries or anything. So I can push myself a lot harder. But the greater part of me, or I should say, the larger part of me, did not want to run, or if I had to run, just trudge along pathetically. What do you think when you see some kind of chubby guy waddling along at a snails pace all out of breath and sweaty?

Its pathetic. I won’t run like that. I don’t have to. So I kicked it into high gear through sheer force of will. So I was thinking, how fast can I go on sheer fortitude, with no pleasant sensation at all associated with the running? Because once I get in shape, there will be a joy of running. But right now is no joy, only unpleasantness.

So I kept pushing myself, concentrating on just making each stride. I can physically do it. But I guess what I was doing was running on some type of fuel before, and the fuel was not there. When I used to run, I had a lot of fuel to run. It came easier.

I got this picture of this inner wimp. He was in his thirties, balding, fat, with diaper on, sucking his thumb, wanting comfort and safety. So then I was overcome with a murderous rage. I wanted to kill that pathetic piece of garbage! So that awakened the imperious one within me, the wild beast that Nietzsche wrote about. My inner barbarian was awakened. How does the imperious one run? Like he’s running into battle! He has a fierce gaze and runs as fast as he can all for the glory and the prize. I awakened this Guy. It was powerful, Then I got to the end of where I said I would stop, and the imperious one said “Hell no!” and began to sprint. He would have run the whole course over again, but I held off. I was wondering about how I can do this. How can the “imperious one” be so powerful, yet I can over rule him? How can this wimp become so powerful? It must be that this “I” I am referring to, call it the ego, is some type of executive function. But I want this imperious one to come out more. This is an archetype I can access whenever I want. I will probably end up competing to win in races if I keep accessing him and not simply run to get in shape. One I awaken this archetype, I have to give him a bit of free reign otherwise he just sinks back into the deep. I have to feed him to keep him alive. I’ve awakened him before and then just as I would let him start making some decisions, I squash him back down. I am a little afraid of him what he might do. But, damn, He’s better looking, stronger, sexier and more adventurous. He’s Tyler Durden.

Maybe this is why I have been having insomnia. Paralell to Jack in “Fight Club?”

I have observed some people, who embodied this “imperious one” archetype, let it come out, give it free reign. I had a chance to be on the wrestling team with an All American in college. I mean, this was Baptist Bible College, a small private college, and we had our own little athletic conference, much smaller than the NCAA. It was the NCCAA (two c’s) It stood for National Christian College Athletic Association. But there are only so many Christian Colleges, so during the season, we wrestled secular schools in NCAA division Three. Then at the end of the season we would have a National Tournament with all the Bible College wrestling teams.

But I am convinced Nick would have been all American in that venue as well, because I saw him beat all these people. He was pretty brutal too for a Bible Student. I heard people commenting on that in the Stands, when He would be just totally manhandling his opponent practically choking them out at times with this controversial head lock maneuver call the “Merkel” which was like an illegal choke but with an arm inside. I’ve since seen people choked out with it in the UFC. So it was controversial, some refs would not let him use it.

Well anyway, I practiced with this Guy and for the first few weeks of practice. I became obsessed with trying to beat this Guy. I felt this desire to conquer him overwhelming me, then I held back and squashed it. I squashed the imperious one.

I was in Bible College, I was thinking maybe being consumed with kicking this Guys ass and taking his position was wrong somehow. He was my weight. I weighed about 170 lbs after running cross country the season before. Nick wrestled 167. It would have been the weight class for me. Instead I opted to wrestle 155 and later 177.

For a while though, I wanted to beat Nick. For about two weeks. He was way better than me, but I hit him with everything I had. I figured by doing that I could only get better. Maybe I would catch him. It felt great. I even felt my senses awakening, the colors and aromas of life got a little brighter. Then I squashed this part of me back down and compromised. I began to practice with people smaller or not as good as me.

These compromises in life have bitten me in the butt, cumulatively. I am done compromising. I am letting the imperious one out again.

I am a little disgusted withmyself even writing that last line, because writing it isn’t doing it. But doing it is doing everything I want to do that I am held back from doing through fear. Fear is a door. Compromise keeps me inside the door but there is a big beautiful world out there waiting for me.

Does that sound cheesy or what? Back it up wimp.