I am a cruel person

I have a few posts I chose not to publish. They are just too brutally honest and mean spirited. Reading Nietzsche just brings it out in me. Nietzsche was really in touch with his own cruelty. Here is the thing with philosophers and cruelty, especially nihilists: They direct their cruelty inward. If you have intense curiosity about the world, the nature of reality, existence, etc. You are a cruel person. Because there are a lot of things healthy people don't really want to know. That is why they are healthy. The truth will fuck you up. Our brains can't handle it. Some people think that is the real reason Nietzsche went insane and not simply because of the syphilis.

If you are Alexander the Great,or Genghis Khan, or Mike Tyson or something, you can direct that cruelty outward. Notice I made that huge historical leap there? Two ancient conquerers and then several thousand years later a pro-boxer? That's because in the modern world there aren't many acceptable channels for outward expressions of cruelty. Even Tyson could barely hold his shit together.

This innate cruelty within the human race doesn't go away though, it gets turned inward or expressed as something else. The "conscience" is cruelty turned inward. Also studying the nature of reality and seeking to solve all these dark mysteries of reality, uncovering conspiracy theories, etc. is inward directed cruelty. Its scaring yourself, shocking yourself, abusing yourself. Staring into the abyss.

In solving this IBS problem, I have been studying about repressed emotions. The reason people repress emotions is because the brain cannot deal with the overwhelming sense of vulnerability that is inseparable from our existence. The brain cannot deal, so we repress. We become blind to it. I mean if you repress too much, you run into a lot of serious problems, but you have to repress some. You have to deceive yourself to a certain degree in order to function.

I think this is weak. This bothers me. I want to know the truth. I love to uncover bleak horrible realities. This is cruelty. It starts with me being cruel to myself, but then writing about it and sharing it is then cruel to others. Of course many people have really strong defense mechanisms and ability for denial. So I guess its not cruel to them. But sometimes there are things people really wonder about and want an answer to. So then they would be vulnerable to being faced with really cruel harsh realities.

I have been into some kind of quasi-spiritual self help stuff of late. I think a lot of it is about constructing somewhat inaccurate maps of reality, that are coherent enough to benefit you in accomplishing your goals, while effectively shielding you from unpleasant realities.

Steve Pavlina's whole "Subjective Reality" is like this. Mantras like "Nothing real can be harmed, nothing unreal exists; Herein lies the Peace of God" (ACIM) accomplish that.

Its all about how you frame things. It comes down to choice, what you choose to focus on, what you choose to disregard. The harsh horrible things are still there, evn if you don't look at them and not only that but these horrifying aspects of reality are all mixed up within everything else.

Think of a really angry bitter lesbian feminist. Its not like their beliefs about men aren't true. They actually are. There is this bizzare dance in the relations between the sexes. A lot of it is a power struggle. Its not all lovey dovey. Men want to dominate women sexually. All sex is like rape in a way. I mean there is that aspect to it. If you totally take that away, there is not much left. Women want to put up resistance and then be overwhelmed. Men want to win the prize. Women want to be seduced. To be seduced is to lose a fight in a way. There is a reverse aspect too. Men can be seduced and women can dominate men sexually. But either way there are huge power plays going on all the time, and when you get down to the brass tacks, by reducing sex to its primary components, and studying simpler and simpler organisms, sex and fighting are pretty close. Very similar in many ways. Mating behavior is generally about the male wowing the female, with displays of his power to the point that he can get past her natural defenses and dominate her.

There are subtle ways you can frame all these things and put either negative or positive spins on things, but there is a harsh cruel reality underneath either way.

Where I am going is kind of a balance where I can incorporate as much of a view of reality as I need to get where I want in life. I want to play a little. I want to deceive myself a little. You have to to be decisive. You can't be open to absolutely every conter argument at all times. I want to see a lot of the cruel games of life and not deny them, but see the beauty in them. Embrace them.

Btw, here is an article lesbian feminsists will really enjoy:

I know I need a spanking but why?

I am into this site. I think what happened with me is that I turned myself inside out at some point in my development. I had this desire to dominate, tinged with cruelty and having all these inhibitions, I directed it inward. So what I am doing is, accepting myself, and redirecting some of my energies. I am a frustrated alpha male, that kind of put on a false front of being too nice and nurturing, but really its not the real me. I have those aspects to me, but I got the proper porportions mixed up and expressed in a reverse way.

This has happened to a lot of men in this world. In modern civilized life, there is only room for so many alpha males. If we all lived in little villages, there would be a need for proportionately more of them, and a lot of the excess would be killed off in peridodic low level warfare. In a mass society, there are just a few alphas and hardly any ever get killed in battle.

But I think I can pull it off. I think I can figure myself out and get all my various parts moving in the same direction.