dark cloud envelopes me.

I am sick today. This puts me in a bad mood. When I started this whole fitness project, I was getting over this flue like bug, I don't know if I still have it but I keep overtaxing my immune system and getting insomnia and periodically feeling sick.

I feel like resting is failure, So then I make myself sick. Then I get in a really bad mood. I really wish my body could have a little genie or somthing that could manifest and I could talk to it. I would say somthing like:

"Listen, Motherfucker, Your Job is to do what the fuck I say, no questions asked. Jump when I say jump, etc." I feel like giving my immune system a serious beat down. I even feel like designating a random person as being my immune system and giving them a serious beat down.

I have a lot of rage right now. I have been kind of sickly most of my life. Probably of the last ten years, I have had diarrhea, probably the majority of the time, like 5 days out of the week going on ten or eleven years in a row. Eliminating wheat hasn't helped. I thought it would but it hasn't. Not that I don't have celiac sprue, I do, but there is other stuff wrong. So that's the last ten years.

All through childhood, I had bronchitis and pneumonia, plus serious allergies.

I was healthy from about age 18 to 24, started going down hill then. But its like, I had really robust health. Its not like I was sickly, and then got a little better. I got really healthy. I could outrun most of the people in my unit in the Army, I was impressed with this until I ran cross country in college and saw how I compared with a bunch of actual runners instead of people forced to run because they were in the Army. But still, though, I was in shape, strong, vibrant.

What it is is that I have this weird combo of health and disease living in my body. The extremely robust health ensures that I can live most of my life being really sickly and not die or be unable to function. It guarantees that I will be able to operate at 30% to 50% and be just blow par health wise, and appear to be totally healthy. Its like being sick enough to be dead, but instead of being dead, I just seem a little out of shape, a little weaker than everyone else.

I don't know how else to explain it. Does it make sense to have pneumonia all growing up and then join the Army and run in the 100th percentile? Its not like I am built like a runner either. I was as heavy as 190 lbs in the Army at a height of 5'8" I maxed the push ups too. I hate doing sit ups, but One time I worked on it a little bit and maxed that too, but that time I neglected to work on push ups. I maxed everything, at various times but never all three at once.

Does it make sense to have the runs everyday and keep improving in my physical conditioning? I mean I am improving on my push ups, while feeling crappy, getting little sleep and having the runs. People are supposed to die eventually of dysentery.
Soon, I will be able to bang out a hundred push ups, while properly digesting probably 5% of what I am eating and running everyday on 3 hours of sleep. Then I will be mad enough to kill somebody, because I will feel like crap. Its the lack of control that really pisses me off the most.

When I get this problem worked out I have to run an ultra marathon or fight in mixed martial arts or somthing. Walk to the tip of South Anerica, even. I have this huge reservoir of pent up rage to draw from.

The other angle is that physical symptoms are related to repressed emotions. So perhaps there are repressed emotions associated withy having the shits for 12 years. I said ten but actually 24 to 36 is 12. Its even worse than I thought.

I must have some seriously repressed emotions. I am not joking though. I have not exaggerated any of my aliments in any way.

Update: I found this link:

IBS tales

It makes sense.