Silent, Private, Success.............crickets............

I don't have as much traffic on this site as I'd like. I haven't really put a lot of work into it. But I would have thought I would have attracted more. I could do more. But this blog doesn't seem to be catching on. I am documenting this stuff, but really though, I am not trying to be a motivational speaker, or life coach, self help Guru, or whatever.

I don't really have a lot of traffic, I don't have anyone really challenging me or confronting me on this. It would be good to have skeptics telling me I am full of shit and then I could prove them wrong. Just a few comments, no real dialetic going on.

Its kind of a thing I am proving to myself. In a way, I don't really give a shit if anyone else learns from this. I hope they don't. I hope most people stay fat and feeling pathetic and defeated. Then they can encourage themselves with revenge fantasies, give rich beautiful people the evil eye, and huddle together with other miserable losers and gripe and come up with imaginitave narratives that justify their failure in life.

I mean, I don't realy hope that happens. But that is what happens. I've been there. So I am just kind of acknowledging it and accepting it. That's what most people do. That's the herd. I don't have to lift them up before I can move on.

So just so you know, you can do whatever you want. You can wake up feeling great everyday, you can be good looking and in shape. You can fulfill your dreams.

I guess it's not so bad that I don't have to argue with people about it or convince them. I mean this is basically an echo chamber I am speaking into at this point. But I think there are advantages to that.

It would be cool to share this with people. It would have been nice to have a lot of people in on the expiriment.

Its kind of anti-climactic, though, just to post and be a success and have it all quiet. Nobody really gives a shit. I was posting on the Steve Pavlina forum and stimulating a lot of discussion but that has really died down. But basically, My expiriment was a success. I don't really know how much weight I lost. Nothing dramatic. But I got a lot better muscle tone. I am getting in shape. I changed my eating patterns. I have a different relationship with food now. I don't seek to comfort myself by satisfying myself orally with food. I feel strong. I am assertive, I changed my appearance and the type of energy I project. I changed my thinking patterns. Lots of doors are opening up. I feel like new pattterns have been molded into me.

I think the darkworker trial may be kind of repellent to people. Most people like to think of themselves as being good.

If you are weak, its better to be good. I have been saying all along, people in modern society are domesticated animals. Modern Society tends especially to make eunichs out of men. There is kind of a trend now of marketing to men, Spike TV, various men's magazines. Animal planet has "manday" on mondays now. They have the beer commercials with "Man Laws." Its all a big joke. Yeah, drink beer and mow the lawn and sit on your ass and watch sports shows or jerk off to porn. That's being a man, or play World Of Warcraft, like a junkie on a crack binge. Express your masculinity.

I want to be a fantasy illustrator, aspects of that could possibly be construed as being dorky. But really though, men are fucking dangerous. This is not a male dominated society. A male dominated society is among the Pushtun, on the border of Afganistan and Pakistan. People that on any given day, could walk down the street and have to defend their honor to the death. Warrior tribes.

The Vikings were men. They got a bunch of Guys together and ran off and conquered. They were Odin worshippers. They believed that the day of their death was decided from birth, nothing could change that, and the only way to get into Valhalla was to die bravely in battle. So they were unstoppable. These Moslems are men, a lot of them.

To be a man, you need challenges, serious challenges. But I can't go off with a sword, chopping peoples heads off. The frontiers are getting smaller.

So I figure, I want to be rich. Its a challenge. I can't do it by sacking a Cathedral and stealing all the Gold. But I see the allure of that. I really do. The Army has all these cool commercials now. They make it look like a challenge, way more than what it is. I've been there so I know its not. I mean actual combat is challenging, but mostly its about conforming and becoming a tool. Not a lot of personal autonomy. The discipline is all externally imposed.

In this world though, you either internalize or you push out. All this latent aggression is still there. Turning it inward will kill you. Vikings were outward. They projected this aggression onto the world.

This Guy Cho, that killed all the people, he was a warrior. But he had all these inhibitions, raised in a Korean devout Christian family, he was a mouse. He never learned how to assert himself. Then one day, he achieved this equilibrium and just exploded in rage. He could have bitch slapped some people day to day. He could have boxed. He could have gotten in some fistfights with people, cussed some people out, day to day as he went along and things would have been fine.

So I needed this darkworker trial. To claim the darkside of myself, accept all my parts. I have this warrior part of myself, this aggressive part and I am OK with it now.

I mean these success Gurus, talk about these win win scenarios, that there is no scarcity and that all people can have abundance, its no zero sum game. I think that may be true.

But even if its not true, I wanted to get the point of saying. I don't care. I am getting what I want out of life even if it involves other people not getting theirs. Even if its selfish. Even if its evil. If its evil to be rich and successful, I still want to do it. I have no guilt. I am a viking warrior. I'll chop off heads if I have to.

But after getting to that point, I find things aren't so hard after all. It doesn't really take that. It can be win win and I do have a heart. I do want to help others when I can. But I want to live life. I want to go out and get it.