Killing the Endomorph inside me.

My last post was about measuring and repeatability. This is a post about my internal processes. This is kind of a bittersweet thing. Transforming myself in this way, is like sculpting from a piece of marble, or clipping a hedge in a way. Parts of me are getting pruned off. But these are parts of *me*, not somthing outside of me. So there is a bit of a sense of loss. Its a bittersweet thing really. Its kind of like coming to the realization that I can actually achieve my goals, and making sure I really want them.

American's are kind of fat, but at the same time, we as a society look down on fat people. Classic endomorphs are fat. But the personality quirks associated with this type are not all bad. They are generally, affable extroverts with a pleasant sense of humor. They are relaxed and low key. This means that endomorphs are often likable.

I have some of these qualities, even though I am not a classic endomorph but a cross between endomorph and mesomorph, with a pinch of ecto-morph.

As I achieve this energetic change some of these parts of me are getting stripped away.

Endomorphs, like to eat a lot, and after they feel satiated, while they digest their food, they like to talk. They like pleasant small talk and jokes. Things like that.

I have some of this. I have kind of a boyish chubby face and I laugh easily and can make others laugh. I have kind of a self deprecating humor. When in this mode I put people at ease and have kind of a higher pitch to my voice.

Classic mesomorphs, on the other hand can also be social and extroverted, but they generally don't shoot the shit just to shoot the shit. They are competitive with people and very aware of status and power relationships. Their face looks different. They don't have fat cheeks. Their eyes don't crinkle nearly shut when they smile.

I am finding myself being less easy going and not neccessarily wanting everyone around me to feel at ease and get them to laugh. Its a habit I can get into, easily.

But I notice the change in my energy. I see people along the way and I used to make little connections with people, I was a little shy, and not assertive, but had a kind trusting face and people were disarmed by it. Nice people were. Tough people saw me as weak and ignored my or looked contemptibly at my overtures.

There is less of that now. I have less of a desire to start up conversations with random people, and say a little pleasant thing to them. Plus if I say "Hi" I can see people registering my face differently. They are more guarded, less sure they trust my face.

I have noticed several times, sales people seem to sense, I might be a bit of a dick to them, if they don't do what I say. So they are polite and formal and work quickly and efficiently. In a way this is a bit sad, but also a strong confirmation that I am on the right track. This is the real deal. I want to have an air of authority and gravity with people. But I miss the old me a bit.

They used to instantly sense they could joke with me and have a little conversation.

These are the negative things.

One positive thing is though, I have all this muscular energy and am realizing my life is boring as fuck. I have less of a need for security. So I think I will end up having a more exciting life. I am seriously considering taking up bow hunting or fighting, or some really aggressive sport.

I also find myself having a lot more confidence and hardly any social fear. I really care a lot less what people think of me.

I feel like soon I might even try to pick up a woman at a bar. Something I have never been able to do. It takes a certain kind of really finessed aggression to do that. I am not talking cro-magnon style. I am still intellectual. But seduction takes a lot of nerve. I have always had a lot of insights into seduction, but lacked the nerve.

My sex drive is getting pretty high too.

Going with this whole mesomorphic vibe might lead to another type of crossroads too. It strengthen the desire for fame and fortune but also adventure. They don't always lead to the same places at the same time. I have more drive to master my artwork and make money at it, but also I could easily see myself just saying "Fuck it" and moving to Alaska or kayaking around the world or somthing.

So if I screw around climbing and mountains and stuff, that puts the art career on hold, but If I apply all this muscular energy to making money, I might not get to really go on long term adventures for a few years when I am more past my physical prime.

I'll have to find a balance. Killing the endomorph, kind of removes the desire to have a safe little hobbit hole though. That part I don't miss. Fuck security. Its a trap.